This day was kind of weird. On one hand, I spent over three hours riding on my bike to score some kilometers for an app. But on the other hand, I felt like I was going to pass out from how tired I was. And, the thing is - I slept enough. The whole weather seemed to have impacted not just me but everyone also around me - it was windy and sometimes really sunny, sometimes cloudy. This kind of dynamism must have confused my senses on some subconscious level - with this being enough to throw me off balance.
I started off the day feeling so disconnected from my consciousness that I wanted to just fall down and forget about life. Only coffee and bike riding seem to have changed this unexplainably strong sense of tiredness.
I also learned a lot about the Enneagram - specifically type 4, with whom I related the most - and, honestly, it all starts to make much more sense. In the recent past I was convinced that the Enneagram just didn't describe me well, that I didn't relate to any of the 9 types. That perhaps the system itself was too categorical, trying too hard to put me into a box. Well, in actuality, it is me who is in the box, and the Enneagram just helps me see where I'm trapped - as long as I don't see this as a way to label myself to widen my label collection. With the right intentions, the Enneagram exposes, not categorizes.
And, well, today I did feel exposed. Perhaps in a good way, because, as a Sexual 4, I understand that it is part of my nature to be more dramatic or intense, and it is part of my conditioning to believe I am both somehow elite and broken, prideful and brittle. And, well, the fact I adapt so much to the culture or environment around me speaks that indeed my emotional state is not ever static. I was always more connected to my emotions and on demand I can call upon any I want; and I like the dark, the brutal, the terrifying, there is something that pulls me towards it. Along with the intense, the unbelievable, the tragic - I am the iron, and those parts of life are the magnet. And, as a type 4, my attitude towards love and relationships is particularly shaped by narrative building and very intense emotions along with soul-penetrating vulnerability. Of course, it's not just about physical penetration as a Sexual subtype. It's rather that the whole attitude just seeks fusion with that special, that singular reviver of me that will uplift my emotional state to the highs as great as the sky.
And no, I'm not a type 5 actually, I never related to it. I just felt like I was a type 5 back in the past. I thought I related to it because I wasn't an idiot in school and I payed attention, and I had the capacity to focus and question the presented material. It doesn't help that my whole family is full of skeptics and independent thinkers. But this whole way of being in school was not actually my identity. Once again this was a kind of adaptation, and I confused my image with my identity. Even then, however, my image wasn't that of an eccentric, cold person. Not even around my teachers; and especially not around my colleagues, who thought I was actually too intense and even terrifying(!). I have always been intense, looking for a way to spice things up - perhaps from a sense of self-deficiency on some level, yet definitely this is not typical of a 5. I am not emotionally stunted enough and I don't have issues with vulnerability, feeling strong emotions or attaching myself to others, giving them my heart. I realized I'm gravitating towards the intense, rather than evading it. And, obviously, the fact that I don't feel ambivalence or apathy towards both of my parents, but rather frustration, resentment that they somehow are working against my best interest - screams I am not a type 5, but rather 4.
May God (or Higher Force) help my future romantic partner survive me. 😮
When will this year stop being so windy? My sinuses behind my left eye are starting to hurt again. This is a bizarre summer - preceded by a similarly bizarre, because unusually cold, spring. Maybe things will change. And, in fact, they will - big waves of African-like heat have reached southern France and, following the path of western winds, will eventually arrive in Poland in the coming days. The sun will rise alone in the sky, and I will have a chance to naturally lighten my curly hair again. Of course also tan my skin as well.
Whatever comes to happen, the next days will prove to be quite meaningful, because I'm taking the concrete steps to regain a sense of control and order over my days. At last it seems that the contemporary sense of apathy is finally being questioned, and evading necessary activities is not going to be as easy anymore. My discipline is returning, and it is reinforcing both creative habits and mentally healthy habits. Oftentimes the both are actually the same. I am feeling better about myself at this point in time. The future can't be as bleak anymore.
Alongside this I have this sense that my more feminine identity is no longer as ever-present in my consciousness. I realized that having to tend to some kind of order has awakened other kinds of forces within me that are not strictly feminine. I think it's easier to be feminine and eccentric online, not among others - not in a conservative area - because I can tailor my presentation without feeling some kind of guilt or missing out that I'm not as normal as others. God, when I see couples out in public, for some reason I wish to look like the women, they seem to resonate with me on a way that is not actually romantic interest. It's not about me pursuing those who are taken already - actually, I, in some way, want to copy them on an identity level. This is so strange to explain, but it is real.
We'll see what comes in the next days. I wish to be more mindful of my feminine identity alongside more characterisically disciplined ways of living that finally stop my days feelings wasted. My time has to be used better. And it will.
But I have to return to my bed times journal again now, haha. I have ignored for too long and now I don't know when I fell asleep, when I woke up and what was my energy state in the morning. I have to tend to this as well.
Yet I'm feeling optimistic. I wish I can continue to explore this weird identity further - there must be something to it. Other than that, I do not lack the energy or initiative to push myself through that which is a little uncomfortable, but is very rewarding from a long-term perspective.
Take care, future version of me. I love you. ❤️
By the way, this is the Enneagram video that helped me recognize just how much of a tragic romantic I am: https://youtu.be/V8H22OLdWwQ?si=0dVIlwUk29LvS9qp